‘on this day’….. feelings of guilt as a mother

Today while on Facebook I had that ‘on this day’ pop up on my home page. You know the one? I personally absolutely love this feature as I get to see pictures of my girls that I had either forgotten I had posted or forgotten that I even had. In fact a few years back I lost some pictures but thanks to Facebook I regained most of them. Heres a favourite from 2010

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aged 3 1/2 years 

Anyway as you do I decided to click on it and see what popped up. Well hand on heart I did not expect to see that status. From 19 march 2013 @ 08.06am

Hospitals answer was medication so today is the first morning of Louisa being on ADHD medication mixed feelings about this 😦 and a sense of feeling lost

So you see today it has been three years yesterday we were told our daughter had ADD and three years today that our daughter had her first lot of ADHD medication!!! Her paperwork states ADD and learning difficulties and three years later she just seems to have a long list of letters after her name like OCD,ASD apparently she is across the board.

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Shock…

I looked at that status and just thought OMG I have been medicating my daughter and re-ordering tablets for three whole years. Never mind the whole living with a diagnosis of ADD for three years but what struck me then and made me write that status has really struck me again. Its made me feel things that I thought were under control.

My daughter is on what could be a lifetime of medication. She is basically on a mood altering drug that can almost make her seem like Jekyll and Hyde. Before the tablet I sometimes feel hard pressed to cope with her. She won’t co-operate, she shouts, screams, forgets where she has put something and her OCD well don’t even get me started on that kettle of fish 😦 she also picks on her sisters spends five minutes walking up and down the stairs saying ‘shit bag’, she resorts to babble and baby language and will not get ready for school. As soon as that medication kicks in her OCD ramps up and she gets dressed makes her bed and tries to eat her breakfast. Why is my daughter on medication?

I think even as I have been writing my blogs its moments like these that really hit home that my child is different. I am not sure what other parents feel at times – I would be really interested to know!!!

For me looking after my child as I have said before is just being a parent. I do everything automatically. I try to always do my best by my children. Some days this works other days I feel like a complete failure. Today has been  one of those days. Its been a day of

  1. Am I failing her?  because every morning she has a little pink and white tablet which she takes without hesitation.
  2. Am I raising her the way i should be? or is her disability actually my fault? am I doing or have i done something to make her this way?
  3. Is the trust that she places in me as her mum just an illusion? or is it my way of justifying that i am medication her
  4. Am I doing the right thing for her or is drugging her a way to make the rest of us in the house feel like we are having an easier day.
  5. whats going to happen in the next three years?

Can I really cope? …

you know what yes I can cope!!!

Yes I need help and support, yes I trawl through group forums and ask advice, yes I share my experiences because that is the way that I have found helps me best. I cope knowing that I am not alone. Neither are you!!

There is no shame in asking for help and there is no shame in my daughter being on medication. Having four children fairly close in age means that the symptoms of  ADD is really visible. Surely if it was bad parenting all my children would be the same?

Medication is such a big word and for children its scary. For louisa she calls it her ‘HD tablet’ because even aged 9 she knows that it helps her. It makes her brain stop flitting through tv channels so that she can concentrate better and for longer. It allows her to learn something new everyday although it does not help with the memory problems 😦 . She is better able to control her temper and her outbursts. She is still the same person with or without the tablet, just with the tablet she flutters about less (her words lol like a butterfly). Its really more like stomp around like a teeny pre teen buts thats just between you and me.

So to finish..

I think realistically its feelings like this that makes us human. When raising a child with a disability or learning difficulties life is always in the fast lane. Moods change, behaviours go up and down. Our children can be difficult and somedays life can really hit us hard. Going through what i have been through the last three years with a diagnosis and medication, relationship breakdown and heartache I find it easy to sink back into that quiet place inside me where I ignore people and become low. I feel like crying and the guilt really hits me hard. Writing this my hands are cold and my stomach has butterflies. I really hate feeling like this but do you know what?…. feeling low is a normal process that any human can go through and its how you come back up that matters. Take each day as it comes, be the best mum or dad that you can for your child and help them as much as you are able to grow and be happy.

Thank you for taking the time to read enjoy your weekend!!!

x leanne x

 

 

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