It was my daughters 10th birthday last week and for months in advance she had been begging to have a sleep over. Now sadly my daughter is one of those that does not get invited to many sleep overs / birthday parties. Wether its because she is not as popular at school as we are lead to believe or that parents knowing that she has “issues” just do not invite her, so baring this in mind and also in my new stance of trying to let her do as many normal things as possible (as I have let her sisters have sleep overs) and having the mind set that her disabilities should not hold her back, I eventually agreed to have a small number of friends who know her really well to stay over.
This was written at 2.45am the night of her sleepover…..
birthday sleep over and ADD; a run for the hills combination. over wrought over tired over excited every emotion going heightened and out of control when it gets to 2am and no sign of sleep what do you do
the only thing you can do so the guests can sleep is to move your ADD child and try and get them to calm and sleep back in their own bed
easy yes…. in our case its been 45 minutes and she has trashed her room screaming and swearing not a good combination especially as when she finally falls asleep she will wake up having forgotten what she has done.
I have come to the very stark realisation that even age 10 there are going to be limitations on what I can and can’t do with my daughter. For all that I want her to lead a normal life I have to accept that in some situations that is not going to happen. There is going to be times when I can’t let her have the independence she sees her sisters having. Having three so close in age (13 and 18 months between them) I really see the differences that disabilities have on my child. Its heart breaking!! I don’t want her to miss out!!!
These are the things they don’t tell us even when you get a diagnosis.
ADD is as much a learning curb as it is a disability. They tell us about the behaviours to expect, the drugs that can be used to help, parent courses to go on and so on. At the end of the day though there is no step by step guide to how to parent a child with ADD. Theres no written list of the do’s and don’ts. There is information on the symptoms and it is widely documented about all the bad disruptive parts of ADD and ADHD but alas I have yet to find a comprehensive manual or list that guides me through everyday life with my child. (will be waiting a lifetime as no two children/adults are the same)
Very often I feel alone and alienated. Very often I feel like its all in my imagination, that surly she is not as bad as all that. I feel embarrassment… does that make me a bad mother? How hard can it be to throw your child a simple sleep over party when they are all the rage and everyone else is having them…surely her behaviour is no different to how it was when she was little except she is stronger, faster and when an object comes towards you it hurts. The screaming hasn’t gotten any louder, having sensorineural hearing loss on top has meant she has always been louder than her hearing sister. I can handle anything she throws at me…mentally and physically can’t I?
The thing is it has all changed. Disruptive behaviour at home or in the street wasn’t acceptable when she was little but up to age 6 she could be put in a pushchair or put on reins at least until she grew to big. Now when people see a tall 10 year old exhibiting behavioural problems they mutter and shake their heads. Heck I mutter and shake my head while inside I am fuming because I sometimes forget that she has this ‘illness’ and that she can’t help it but because I want her to be as normal as possible I do sometimes forget for a second that she is different, and yes as her mother I can say she is different because there is no way of getting away from it. She is unlike my other three daughters. Each different in their own way but so alarmingly different to their sister. If I was a bad parent surely they would all be like her?
So the sleepover…..
My daughters friends have sleep overs and maybe giggle the next time they are in school about how late they went to sleep but for us it was no giggle. The girls who stayed accept our daughter for who she is but even they struggled with her not being able to sleep. I felt pride at the way they tried to help her but in the end we had to remove her otherwise none of them would have slept. I had even tried to keep some of her routine at a much later bedtime and read to them plus she had her sleep medication but as mentioned, excited and anxiety played apart in making sleep disappear, we were left with running up and downstairs, shouting and screaming. I felt bad as a mother for taking her upstairs, making her sleep apart from her friends but when you are a household of 6, attached to another house sleep is very much needed by all. Needless to say the friends were asleep within 10 minutes of us removing her and didn’t wake till 9am the next morning.
As for our daughter after she was spent from her tantrum she spent the rest of the night in our bed. She was very comfy!!! Me however spent time thinking and crying and wondering how much more we will come up against in the fight to give our daughter the chances and opportunities she deserves. Then again as parents thats what we do isn’t it? We give our children opportunities to grow and learn and we as parents also grow and learn. We learn the best way for us to cope / deal / parent our children. Its a huge learning curb being a parent and its a huge learning curb living with ADD. As the years go on no doubt I will learn more not only about ADD but also about myself and my family and especially about what our daughter will be able to achieve.
All I can say is never stop trying. There will always be good days and bad days, thats being a parent and we don’t always get it right. When it goes wrong cry, stamp your feet and let out the frustration and then start again fresh and new the next day. ADD for me is either a good day, a bad day or its sometimes like groundhog day…..
x Leanne x